boys, boys, boys…

…seriously. do ANY of you EVER grow up???

(albeit the better question might be, would i find you adorable if you did???)

obviously, all names will be omitted. but here’s a letter to the many boys in my life, past and present, perhaps a few that i’m leaving room for in the future…(and no, these are not in the least bit in chronological order, so don’t even try figuring it out…) =)

to whom it may concern…

to you, the one that set the bar so high you practically ruined me. you were fearless and romantic and you were completely on fire for me. i couldn’t wrap my head around it, i didn’t understand it, and i ran. you’ll never know how many times in my life i’ve regretted it.

to you, the sweetest boy that ever lived. i think i knew the moment i saw you i would do anything to win you and i would without a doubt screw it up in the end. but you taught me so much about how beautiful life could be through the eyes of a truly untarnished soul. you were ALWAYS going to be too good for me, and you are still the only one that never would have admitted or even thought that in a million years. i owe you for saving my soul. you have exactly the life i wished for you. just goes to show nice guys don’t always finish last. sometimes they get everything they deserve.

to you, the only person i’ve ever thought i was completely mentally connected to. i swear there were times you knew what i was thinking before i did. and lord knows my brain is not an easy place to navigate. you never once made me feel like anything less than an equal. i look at you now and wonder how on earth i earned the right to spend five seconds with you. i was not easy on you, you had to practically hit me over the head to get me to notice you in the first place. and once i did i was such a goner. it wasn’t meant to be…and we always agreed that if it was meant to be it would happen. i fell in love with something else and it came between us. i don’t regret that decision, but i never stopped wondering “what if???”

to you, the one that took me completely by surprise. you were never my type. you weren’t within a hundred miles of my type. but you taught me some very important lessons about how peaceful life could be if you just slowed down. just stood on a piece of land and thought about where a house could be built…what it would look like…it was a conversation that was a promise that never came to pass. you broke my heart on that one. you broke a lot of hearts on that one. just goes to show how one decision can change your life. one bad decision. but it also taught me that everything happens for a reason. and wherever you are, i hope you found what you were looking for.

to you, the boy that doesn’t even know my name but looks at me regularly like you do, like you know a lot about me, like there is already an unspoken thing between us. i know what you’re thinking. it’s an amusing thought, but you’re going to have to try a hell of a lot harder than what i’ve seen so far for me to even get around to actually telling you my name. you’re adorable, but i’m not a brainless intoxicated twit. let me be the first to teach you, doll, you’re going to have to work for the ones that are worth getting. you’re just a child. you’ll figure it out eventually. i think. =)

to you, the one that always drank whiskey. i still can’t stand whiskey, but everytime i smell it it takes me back to another place in time when i was so young and so naive, and you were probably the most respectful boy i’ve ever known. you are the ultimate gentleman. you have become a great man. and although i hate the taste of whiskey, the smell always makes me smile.

to you, the one that used to sneak me out of my house and we’d go driving and not even have to talk. we’d listen to music and put the car in park on train tracks and you’d give me a shit-eating grin, and i’d be scared out of my mind but too excited to care. even then we knew better than to be anything more than friends. but looking back, i kind of wished you’d actually gone through with it the one time you threatened to kiss me and i got out and started walking. we laughed it off eventually, you said you were kidding, just seeing what i would say or do, but i knew you weren’t. you knew i knew it. damn, i should have kissed you first and just gotten it over with. if we could have bottled the tension inside your car on those crazy summer nights driving back roads and listening to “enjoy the silence” we could have solved the energy crisis.

to you, the one that broke me. you are not forgiven. you never will be.

to you, the one that lit up the entire world. you were my friend. you stole me a chef hat at a dance and you made me laugh so hard i cried. you left us too soon. you’re seared into my memory. i will never forget you.

to you, the one that didn’t get it. to you, the one that never will. to you, the one that got it but it didn’t matter because i was too screwed up to care. to you, the one that convinced me i had to love myself before i could be any good to anybody else. to you, the one that never asked me out and then made me feel like it was somehow my fault that you didn’t. to you, the one that doesn’t give a crap about me until you see me with another guy. to you, my dear sweet friend, if only you liked girls we’d live happily ever after. actually, that’s probably not true, we’re too alike, but we could still have some brilliant kids. not the old fashioned way, obviously. =) to you, the one that doesn’t know how happy we could have been if you had gotten your head out of your ass long enough to notice. you didn’t deserve me the first time, there won’t be a second. to you, the one who’s heart i broke. i’ll never forgive myself for that. but i never lied. i told you in the beginning i would. to you, the one that’s still trying to figure me out. everytime you think you’re close you get farther and farther away. to you, the one that pretends to be my friend but looks at me in a way that friends don’t look at their friends. are you gonna bark all day little doggy or are you gonna bite??? =) to you, the one that always thought that you’d hurt me if you told me the truth. to borrow the lyrics of a barenaked ladies song…”you arrogant man/what do you think that i am/my heart will be fine/just stop WASTING MY TIME.” to you, and there are a few of you, that are way too young for me, but good god, if i had the confidence and self awareness in my twenties that i have now you’d all be in TROUBLE. =)

and to you, the one i haven’t met yet…
“what matters most is
how well you
walk through the
fire.” – Charles Bukowski

if/when i do finally meet you, i hope you’re ready. there will definitely be some fire to walk through…i am a complicated girl. but i’m worth it.