i have to be totally honest. i know that i write most of this just to get it out of my head. for the few of you who actually read it, i say to you: thank you for giving a crap what my thoughts are on any given day. but this has become a journal of sorts for me… and therefore, i will continue to write.
so i found out tonight i got cast in a play. i feel the need to point out that i don’t often go out for auditions; sometimes because i know how bad the timing is in my life to dedicate myself to the task at hand, which i take very seriously.
having said that, every once in a while a role comes along that i just feel in my bones belongs to me before i even audition. it sounds insane, and extremely egotistical to assume such, but everytime in my life i have felt that THING in my bones i have gotten the part. maybe i’m lucky. maybe i have a misguided sense of ownership. i just know that there are parts that i have wanted so bad i go into the audition with the talons out…teeth baring…as if my life depended on my HAVING that particular role. sometimes they have been intense and dramatic, and sometimes they have been silly and fantastical, but i have always known when a part just was meant to belong to me. and such is meg…
for those of you who have not read “Leading Ladies” by Ken Ludwig, it is not a piece of theatre that will change anyone’s life, but as i sat at old venice in starkville, reading the end of the script right before i went to auditions, i found myself laughing out loud, like a maniac. alone. in public. the bartender even looked at me like i had lost my mind, and i was on my first and only drink. but it just completely CRACKED ME UP. which led me to believe what i needed in my life more than anything right now was the following:
1. a reason to laugh. AND…
2. a reason to get back on the stage.
now it’s been two and a half years since my last production, and part of me is ALWAYS afraid i have lost the gift…to take the stage, to make people laugh, to do a great job, to understand the character and do it justice, to simply walk out there in the first place. it might surprise some of you to know i still get an insane amount of stage fright. i feel like puking right when the house lights go down and the stage lights come up, every time. but then, the magic happens….
the amazing thing about theatre, what drew me to it in the first place, was the idea that i could be SOMEBODY ELSE, ANYBODY ELSE. and THEY would not be nervous to talk to their future husband in their living room, or answer the phone, or get confused, or say the right thing at the wrong time, or the wrong thing at the right time… my point is, I get to disappear. into somebody else’s life, somebody else’s problems, or drama, or comedy, which is OFTEN way more well scripted than my own…and it is SUCH a release to do so. and with feedback. that instant gratification of a laugh, or a gasp, or spontaneous applause…
does anyone else know exactly how heavy stage lights feel on your eyelashes??? i do. and it intoxicates me so much better than any chemical or relationship ever could… thus far. =)
i do often leave you, my first love, because i get tangled up in life, and friends, and obligations, and work, and distractions….but you and i are ripe for a comeback.
i hope you’re all ready. i’m going to bring it. step up to the plate, boys. i’m throwing a no-hitter. hide and watch, if you doubt me. just hide and watch.
